A little update

I'm not really sure what's going on with my body right now.  I'm late, or at least in my mind I am late.  I tested this morning BFN, of course, I've come to expect nothing but a BFN when I test.  I am on cd 34, I was pretty sure that I ov'd on cd 18.  I had all the symptoms of it happening, so today would make me 15 dpo.  After cd 18 I didn't have any other signs of oving, but yet I know that I did because my bbs were killing me.  Who knows what's going on, I certainly don't.  It was nice to not test and just kind of go with the flow, but right now it's driving me crazy and I keep thinking why didn't I test?  At least then I would have a little bit of a better idea of where I'm at instead of this craziness.  Again we will wait.  I'm going to give things another week before I call the doc to see about getting a blood pg test, progesterone level so that I can go on Prometrium again. Hopefully by then though AF will have started and I won't have to worry about going on that.  We are going to try clomid this next cycle (if it ever comes).  I'm not sure how that's going to go, but I figured that now that we are past a year of ttc we might as well go that path. 

I feel like if I could describe my life right now it would be a rollercoaster of emotions.  This past weekend we were at home visiting family and had a blast. It was great to get away again and try to forget the mess of our lives right now.  Unfortunately coming back reality met us at the door and it's been a little difficult adjusting again.  I'm not doing well, Jason's not doing well and frankly I don't know what to do anymore.  I really need some things to change and I need it to happen soon, but I feel that there is not an end in sight.  I have moments were everything seems like it will be fine, but then 2 seconds later I can't quit crying.  I'm tired of crying, but yet I don't know how to stop.  Jason's a mess, I can't talk to him, I'm sure he's depressed, but he's not willing to do anything about it.  I can't even talk to him about it let alone get him to go to the doctor or even take a vitamin.  I pray all the time, but right now it just doesn't seem to do anything. 

I'm just so miserable and I hate my life right now.