Time flies when you aren't having fun!

Wow, it's been awhile! I wish I could be writing that we finally got our BFP, but unfortunately that hasn't happened yet.  There are a lot of things on my mind as I type.  Next week marks a date that I never wanted to reach.  A date that I never thought in my wildest dreams would mean anything... an anniversary I don't want to acknowledge.  That anniversary being a year trying.  Yep that's right it's been a year of this rollercoaster they call ttc.  It hasn't been fun one bit, well maybe some of those times it was a little fun, but the heartache and disapointment every month has been no cup of tea.  I can only hope as I look towards the future that we won't be reaching a 2nd year of ttc.  That one of these months my egg and Jason's sperm will have a party in my uterus and heartache will be replaced with joy.  I have to move on, I have to hope that there will be a baby in our future (hopefully sooner than later).  I can't think of our life without a child right now, I just can't imagine it.
Although ttc is constantly on my mind, the fact that Jason is still unemployed takes up the other large part of my brain.  Simply put, I want my husband back, I want to see that sparkle back in his eyes.  Instead all I see is pain and anger.  The pain that I have every month when AF comes is the pain I see in his eyes everyday.  I don't know what else to do, or what else to say to make it better.  I just don't know what to do. 
I have become all too consumed with how much life sucks right now.  So much so that I feel the depression slowly creaping back.  I can feel it when I am laying in bed unable to sleep. My first warning sign that something is wrong.  Why am I exhausted, but yet I can't sleep.  That's how it all started.  The tears come so easily now, I believe that I have cried more in the past 6 months than I have my whole life combined. Will the tears ever dry up?  Jason thinks I should go back to the doctor and get back on my medication, but I don't want that.  Going on medication means the end of ttc right now and I just don't think my heart can handle that right now.  For now I am fighting it with acup, added supplements/vitamins and sheer determination.  Hopefully that will be enough to get me over the worst,  until some changes come our way. 
There are many many other things on my mind, but I could write a book with the heaviness in my heart, so I will leave here with what I have written so far. 

If you are reading this please pray for us.... I feel like I am slowly losing my mind.  Will it ever end, will we ever feel joy again.......